Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Dealing with unfairness and rage when bullied

The biggest impact of being the target of a bully, (see for detailed examples of what a bully is and does.) is the feeling of outrage at the unfairness of your treatment. No matter how one tries, the feeling of outrage does not subside because at the time and sometimes long after, the biggest shock of all is discovering that things can be and often are unfair.

So why is it that some people can override the unfairness of bullying and seemingly survive unscathed whilst others cave. It is possible that some of the reason is based in our ability to cope with trauma and stress.

The secret seems to be in undoing rigid thought processes which bind us to belief systems that have ceased to be useful. When we are children we are taught the difference between right and wrong. We are told to be good and polite and well-mannered. Nothing wrong with any of that. We learn that there is a natural and moral justice to things. It is a natural and moral justice held within all of us, but which is unique to all of us. I may just about know where your moral compass lays or what you think is right and wrong, but it will also be layered by personal experience and the uniqueness of your mind to my mind. In building our patterns and personal journeys we learn to have expectations of other people. When such an expectation is shattered by a profound difference of opinion or it actually confronts our very belief system, it becomes profoundly unfair.


The bully's belief system is different from generality, rigid in a different way. The bully is unforgiving, judgemental and in some cases simply immoral. The bully may value power and control above all else.

When bullied we are confronted with something so divorced from our internal system that the experience is 'horrific'. Alternatively, the bullies actions may trigger past experiences of previous bullying and drag you back to the past. Eitherway, we are dumbfounded.

Acceptance of what has happened to us or what is happening does not make it right, but it does allow you to step-back and analyse. Yes it is wrong and unfair, but you know that. Yes it does not match what you think is acceptable behaviour, but that is their problem, their trigger, not yours. You know internally who you are and replaying the event and becoming bitter is unproductive. Your bitterness and rage at the unfairness will not effect the bully one iota. In fact they may enjoy it. The acceptance that what has happened is unfair but not your fault is the first step to action. Bend like the reed, do not be rigid like the the tall tree who falls in the wind whilst the reed bends and arcs but remains intact.


Prioritise what is really important. That is, in our opinion, your health, your sanity and your friends and family, your creativity and uniqueness. We can become so bound up by our work that it actually becomes the suit we wear. It becomes our mask, our facet and we lose sight of who we were beforehand. This is why it is important to re-evalutate who your are and what you are before the bullying had kicked in. I mean who you really are. Who you want to be? Seize back the control from the bully by allowing your mind to flow. Use this time to think about what you really want and what your significant others need. Is it you in a bad job with a toxic employer? It may sound trite but evaluating your needs at this time is allowing you to control your life, rather than letting the bully dictate the terms. This does not mean you have to be braver than you are. It simply means allowing space in your mind to delve into what is best for you.


This is why we are big on the talking therapies such as counselling. This may be the time to get assistance to unravel the puzzle in your mind, the brain fog of 'unfairness'. You may need a small battalion of helpers including your GP, therapist, faith person, friends, family or any one else who can extend a nurturing and supportive network around you. You may need legal advice to see if you have a case. However, perhaps more importantly you need back-up, other helpers to help you consider your life options. You are important and entitled to cushion yourself and love yourself despite all.

Whether you choose to seek justice and compensation or walk away to a healthier life regardless of any potential financial possibilities is beyond the scope of this blog. Whatever routes you choose from the multifarious options, we believe the best that one can hope for is to do it with the licence to know you have choices, then it is a win win.

Disclaimer. We are not medical or legal experts and this blog is just our attempt to express our opinions on what worked for some of us and what did not. We always endeavour to help but not advise.

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